1. What’s the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A tragedy is a ship full of bankers going down in a storm; a catastrophe is when they can all swim.
2. What do a banker and a slinky have in common?
They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
3. What’s the difference between a banker and a trampoline?
You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline.
4. I went to my bank to discuss a loan. The bank manager said: “Certainly, sir. How much can you lend us?”
5. What’s the difference between a banker and a haddock?
One’s cold and slimy, the other’s a fish.
6. How do you stop a banker from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
7. A man went into a bank and said to the cashier: “Will you check my balance?” So she pushed him.
8. What’s the difference between a banker and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
9. What does a banker use for birth control?
10. Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
11. My bank sent back a cheque with a note saying “insufficient funds”. Them or me?
12. If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only two tellers?
13. What’s the difference between a banker and a sperm?
A sperm has a one-in-a-million chance of turning into a human being.
14. What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead banker in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
15. Why did the post office have to recall a series of stamps depicting famous bankers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.
16.If a banker and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
The Mammoth Book of One-Liners
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